We All Have Our Demons

It all started when I was just a teenager. That’s when I met him, the guy that would change my life forever. Of course, he didn’t know that, and nor did I at the time. He walked into 2nd period English class, an angel, and the moment my eyes met his my heart skipped a beat, I forgot how to breathe, my palms became sweaty and I immediately thought of ways that I could introduce myself. See, he was the new kid in school, so introducing myself actually became quite easy. I was more outspoken back then. From that moment on, I made it my mission to talk to him every school day. I didn’t realize it then, but I was actually doing him a favor too.
He was most popular with the girls, with his tall skinny build, dark hair and piecing eyes and a smile that could make you weak in the knees. His laugh, infectious. He voice, smooth and comforting. He always seemed so happy too, I mean for the most part. However, it was on his first dark day that I had ever seen him have was when I had noticed it. He wasn’t as happy as his facade had led us all to believe. He was hiding darkness inside, fighting darkness everyday, all of us unaware. After that day, I had made it my mission to make him smile everyday, even if it was only a little one.
Days, weeks, months went by and I got the chance to know him better. The more I got to know, the more time I wanted to spend with him as well. He saw such great joys in such small things, I loved that. He taught me to be more open minded than I already was. Not to judge so quickly. He even became more open in our Senior english class, about what kind of demons he fought everyday and how so many people take so many things for granted, like happiness. Things that might not come so easy to others. I should have seen it then, I should have been more observant. Here it is, just past the thirteen year mark and I still have a tendency to blame myself.
The reality of it is, his demons got to be too much to handle. The darkness ultimately won. Weather we choose to see it or not, there are rarely happy endings. There is more bad in the world now, then there is good. And sometimes there just is. No bad. No good. Just life.
One of my dearest friends, lover, fellow student, teacher, giver, and gentle human being took his own life, before his high school senior year even ended. Some might say that it was his life to take, others might say that it was selfish of him, some may even try to say that it was his time. Whatever it was, or even is, now that people will say or think; I can guarantee one thing, everyone will try to make since of it… when the truth is, it doesn’t make since. And I don’t think that it ever will. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ten years from now. Not even in one hundred life times.
No one single person is ever going to know what another is truly thinking or feeling… because we are not them. That does not mean that it is up to us to judge other people, or shame them, or talk down about or to them, or to behave negatively in any way.
I never saw death with the same eyes after that. Yes, I had lost people and loved ones in my life, but never like that. I also took great comfort in thinking that he is not suffering anymore. And it even slowed my own thoughts of suicide down, by a lot, for a bit. Those who don’t suffer from it don’t know, they can’t see how anyone would feel such a way.
My pain and journey down the road of suffering didn’t end there. A few years later in my early twenties after some time had past for the damage to heal enough to not sting as much anymore, I happened about another guy who stole my heart away. He too was strong, handsome, happy, a good friend, and suffering. I hadn’t known at all, in the previous months, nearly a year or maybe a little less, until something very stupid and trivial had happened that ended up with him being put on house arrest and me practically living with him the last three weeks of his life. In that three weeks I had watched a beautiful, breathtaking, rare bird have his wings clipped and shoved into a cage. To this day, I believe it was his breaking point.
He was the type that did it all. Climbed mount everest, hiked the hills, mountain biked, swim in the ocean, surfed, played in the duns, camped out on the lake, ate rare foods, ect. You name it, he did it. He was always so energetic too. Seemed so happy. That first week he told me of his adventures, he dislikes (which weren’t many), his likes, why he decided not to have kids, how his life was as a boy and admitted to me of his suffering. His war that he had been fighting for years. I had seen the pill bottles in the bathroom cupboard, but never thought to look at them or ask him about it, it wasn’t my business. It wasn’t until he came clean about his depression that it had all clicked, He too, was a fellow fighter. And from that moment on, I did everything in my power to make him smile at least once a day. Again, I say to myself, “How could I have not seen it coming?”
Part of me wonders if maybe I did see it and I just thought he had it more under control, part of me wonders if I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I might always be pondering these things, about both of them.
The second week went really well, we hung out a lot, had home made meals, watched movies, shared secrets, told stories. It seemed like he was really going to make it through. The third week, not so much. He ended up attempting to take his life, one night when I didn’t stay over. Called me for help, I helped him and the next day he made a call to his doctor. I was under the impression that he had it handled. He had things sorted out, meds adjusted and we were moving on, bruised, but not broken.
One evening I had made it to his place later than I normally would have. I tried calling and I wondered when he didn’t answer, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Still, I didn’t like that he was home alone, so often, in the state that he was in. So I had made it over there quickly, only to find that it wasn’t soon enough. I had spent hours, days, weeks, even years wondering if he had intended to be saved and that I just didn't make it in time, but then I am reminded of one of our last conversations where he had told me that if he were to attempt it again he was to succeed. I had of course let him know of my extreme disagreement with his ideas. To which he did his best at easing. He had also confessed everything to me in that conversation, I see now, that it was so someone would live on knowing his life story.
Yes, I found his body, lifeless and not at all like you read about or see in movies. Yes, it still troubles me to this day. Yes, he was a very good person. Yes, it had changed my life, in both bad and good ways. No, he did not deserve to feel the way that he felt. But for him, he had decided that his life was over, that it was his to take and who are we to say otherwise? But people do, and they will always debate others and their lives.
There has been an increasing amount of suicides in the last few years along with an increasing amount of negativity and meanness. I can’t help but wonder if the two go hand in hand? It is the easier thing to do, to take our sadness, hatred, and evil out on others… this I sadly know. But I also know the effect that it can cause and has on others. There is no glory in being the bully, being the mean one. There is nothing to gain in negativity, but more negativity. And I am not sitting on some pedestal looking down on everyone saying this, I too have to remember it from time to time. I too, can be mean and hateful. I try not to be, I don’t like that side of me, I don’t wish to be that way at all and am appalled when it does happen.
In a world were nearly everyone responds poorly, it’s easier than one may think to loose yourself and become just as ugly. But we have to remember that it’s not going to solve anything, it’s only going to cause more grief, sadness, hurt. Which then leads to bitterness, anger and resentment. Become more aware of the people around you. Think before acting or speaking. So often, so many hurtful things get said or are done in the heat of the moment. Take time to breathe and remember that the other person hurts too. And they may be fighting a battle that you are completely unaware of.
It is never really one persons fault when someone takes their own life. However, if we were to all be more careful, kind, generous, open minded, soft spoken, warm hearted, understanding, and compassionate, it might never even have to happen in the first place.
Everyone is fighting their own battle in some way or another. Just because you cannot see it, does not mean that it is not there. As I have learned, a face is most often a person’s facade. It’s their eyes that tell their true story. Their souls that are the ones suffering and fighting to stay strong. Try to see a person’s soul. Love, don’t hate. Always try to love. Tomorrow is never promised to any of us. So start handing out encouragement, not hopelessness. Do your very best to love.              

Lost My Name

Hey everyone! 

Be sure to check out Lost My Name! They are amazing. If you want a personalized book for your little ones, this is perfect!   http://www.lostmy.name/friends/ashley-thomas

Flower Power Design!

Check it out! I've been posting designs on Zazzle.com! This is my latest one one a pillow. Flower Power, just in time for spring. Spice up your home decor with this awesome pillow! :-) many more designs on many different items at zazzle.com/Caroling_Lilies

http://www.zazzle.com/flower_power_throw_pillows-189388299022504782?

It's Been Way Too Long

Hello world!
It's Sunday on a three day weekend! Yay! A lot has happen since I have last posted. I have moved, I have started a small herb garden, starting my third year in college this summer, (yes, I am almost done) and a bunch of other things.

Needless to say things are going well. I haven't had to much time to do a lot of gaming, very unfortunate, I know. But I have been able to dip my toes in Lego City, BioShock Infinite, Tomb Raider, and Borderlands 2...all of which are amazing!!! I highly recommend all of them.

So a few new things that I was thinking of adding on this blog. I may start talking about the herb garden that I have and describing all of the fun things that I am learning about these lovely little edible plants, I might also share some of my artwork that I have done in art class, which can also be found at DeviantART. I still plan on talking a little bit about games, and just life in general after all this is my random thoughts blog. Either way, the point is, I am going to try to get back into this. I had noticed that I tended to feel better if I just took some time out of the day to write about something, anything really.

For know though, I am off to go catch up on my Fast and Furious movies to ready myself for the very much unneeded but well worth it 6th installment of the series.

Until next time!


,___,
{O.o} "Whhoo-Whhoo, What-what?"
/)__) Sincerely,
-"--"- Ashley Lynn

Pumpkin Latte Coffee Cake

Makes: 12 servings

Prep 30 mins Bake 350°F 45 mins to 50 mins Cool 45 mins

Ingredients

• 5 eggs
• 2 teaspoons instant espresso coffee powder or instant coffee granules
• 1 8 ounce package cream cheese, softened
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 2/3 cup canned pumpkin
• 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk*
• 1 recipe Streusel
• 1 recipe Coffee Drizzle

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 13x9x2-inch baking pan; set aside. In a small bowl stir together two of the eggs and the espresso powder; set aside. In a medium bowl beat cream cheese with an electric mixer on medium speed until fluffy. Beat in the 2/3 cup sugar, the 2 tablespoons flour, and the vanilla until smooth. Beat in egg-espresso mixture; set aside.

 

2. In a medium bowl stir together the 3 cups flour, the baking powder, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

 

3. In a large bowl beat butter with an electric mixer on medium speed for 30 seconds; gradually add the 1-1/2 cups sugar, beating until fluffy. Add the remaining three eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in pumpkin. Alternately add flour mixture and buttermilk to pumpkin mixture, beating after each addition until combined. Spread half of the batter in the prepared baking pan. Spoon half of the cream cheese mixture by small spoonfuls on top of the batter. Add the remaining batter in spoonfuls; carefully spread over the cream cheese mixture. Top with spoonfuls of the remaining cream cheese mixture. With a knife, swirl batter to marble. Sprinkle with Coffee Streusel.

 

4. Bake in preheated oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near center comes out clean. Cool in pan on a wire rack for 45 minutes. Spoon Coffee Drizzle over coffee cake in a lacy pattern. Cool completely on wire rack.

From the Test Kitchen

• Prepare as directed. Cool baked cake completely but do not spoon Coffee Drizzle over coffee cake. Wrap in foil; overwrap in plastic wrap. Freeze for up to 3 months. Thaw in the refrigerator overnight. To serve, top with Coffee Drizzle.

• To make 1 cup sour milk, place 1 tablespoon lemon juice or vinegar in a glass measuring cup. Add enough milk to make 1 cup total liquid; stir. Let stand for 5 minutes before using.

Streusel

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/3 cup rolled oats
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
• 1/4 cup butter, cold

Directions Streusel:

 

1. In a medium bowl combine brown sugar, rolled oats, flour, and pumpkin pie spice. Using a pastry blender, cut in butter until crumbly.

Coffee Drizzle

Ingredients

• 1 1/4 cups powdered sugar
• 1 teaspoon light-colored corn syrup
• 1 - 2 tablespoons cooled Espresso or strong-brewed coffee

Directions Coffee Drizzle:

1. In a small bowl stir together powdered sugar and corn syrup. Stir in enough cooled espresso or strong-brewed coffee (1 to 2 tablespoons) to make drizzling consistency.

 

Nutrition Facts (Pumpkin Latte Coffee Cake)

• Servings Per Recipe 12,
• cal. (kcal) 574,
• Fat, total (g) 21,
• chol. (mg) 140,
• sat. fat (g) 12,
• carb. (g) 89,
• Monosaturated fat (g) 6,
• Polyunsaturated fat (g) 1,
• dietary fiber (g) 2,
• sugar (g) 58,
• protein (g) 9,
• vit. A (IU) 2721,
• vit. C (mg) 1,
• Thiamin (mg) 0,
• Riboflavin (mg) 0,
• Niacin (mg) 2,
• Pyridoxine (Vit. B6) (mg) 0,
• Folate (µg) 81,
• Cobalamin (Vit. B12) (µg) 0,
• sodium (mg) 408,
• Potassium (mg) 199,
• calcium (mg) 131,
• iron (mg) 3,
• Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet

www.bhg.com © Copyright 2012, Meredith Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

Blissful Banana Mouse

This creamy dessert is low in saturated fat, cholesterol
and sodium.

Ingredients

• 2 T low-fat (1 percent) milk
• 4 tsp sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 medium banana, cut in
  quarters
• 1 cup plain low-fat yogurt
• 8 banana slices (1/4-inch)

Directions

Place milk, sugar, vanilla and banana in blender. Blend for 15 seconds on high until smooth. Pour mixture into a small bowl. Fold in yogurt. Chill. Spoon into dessert dishes. Garnish each with 2 banana slices just
before serving.

Yield

4 Servings (1/2 cup each)

Nutrition Facts

Calories: 94
Fat: 1g
Saturated Fat: 1g
Cholesterol: 4mg
Sodium: 47mg

Spinach and Herb Omelet

Get a great start in the morning with this low-fat, low-carb, protein-filled breakfast.

 

Ingredients

• 1 cup spinach leaves (or other greens), torn
• 1 egg
• 1 egg white
• 1 tsp. fresh grated ginger root
• 1 tsp. Mrs. Dash or other seasoning mix
• 1 T salsa
• Nonstick cooking spray

Directions

Tear up the spinach leaves and steam or saute in a little water until they wilt. Fold into the beaten eggs with the grated ginger, salsa and seasoning. Cook in a nonstick pan sprayed with cooking spray, turning as needed until the eggs are set.

Yield

4 Servings

Nutrition Facts

Calories: 105
Carbohydrate: 4g
Protein: 11g
Fat: 5g
Sodium: 204mg
Fiber: 1g